I will not live in fear

I wrote this on Facebook this morning after learning that the schools in my Connecticut hometown were on lock down again, after a suspicious person was seen at a train station. I know the police and administrators in that small town want to make the community feel safe. Our own school system here in Maryland had a police presence this morning, the first day back to school after Friday's tragic events. But all I kept thinking, I cannot live like this. I cannot live in fear.  And that's when this spilled out of my fingers. For whatever it's worth, I'm going to keep coming back to this in the coming year.

I refuse to live in fear. I will accomplish this by embracing every moment, for better or worse. I will let those I love know it. I will focus on what matters. I will be present yet respect the future. I will keep an inventory of all I have to be thankful for. I will live with gratitude.

A letter to my daughters for their 6th birthday

M and L 1st Birthday

Dear L & M:
With all the excitement of Disney I neglected to actually wish you a happy birthday here on my blog. Mark that as just another example of how your mother is not perfect. But you already knew that.

So let me officially welcome you to your childhood years. These are magical years. They are magical because you will enjoy magic without worrying who else believes in it. You will enjoy getting dressed up because you love the dress, and not because the other girls are doing it. You will continue to play in the dirt, with worms, and climb trees just because you can. You will discover new skills, have new experiences, and even a few disappointments. And you will learn and grow from it all.

M turning 1

These are years that you will start to test your independence...and my patience. You will say things to me that I don't want to hear (and I will let you know you've crossed a line). And yet I know you will still cuddle with me, let me read you a book, and most importantly, laugh at my jokes.

L enjoying her 1st birthday

I want you to enjoy these years. I want them to be free of stress and drama because I know what lies ahead in the murky waters of the lands they call Tween and Teen. What you learn now will help you navigate those waters. I will do my best to help you grow to be confident, respectful (of yourself and others), and hopefully love yourself for who you are.

Because I love you just the way you are.

M & L on their 6th Birthday

In six short years you have grown so much. Already I have seen you puff yourself up with bravery to try new things, confront difficult situations, and even learn to forgive. But don't grow up too fast. Now is the time to slow it down, enjoy these childhood days, savor the magic.

Happy Birthday my little ones.
Love forever and always,
Mommy

Make-A-Wish makes all the difference

This little girl had half of her brain removed...

One of the best things about being a blogger has been meeting people who make me stop and think. One of those people is Dwan, aka MommaDJane who I had the pleasure of meeting online and then IRL (in real life) at the Blissdom 09 conference in Nashville.

Dwan is one of those people that no matter what life throws at her (and she's had some serious curve balls) she keeps plugging along with a smile and always with a hand ready to help others.

Now Dwan needs some help as she and her family raise money for the Make-A-Wish 5k Walk THIS Saturday (3/28) !!!

MommaDJane and her daughter Gabby knows first hand what an blessing the Make-A-Wish foundation is for families with children who are facing life-threatening illness and operations. As Dwan explained on her own blog,

"Gab had a stroke during utero and therefore was born with Cerebral Palsy. At nine months old she started having seizures. With the help of steroid shots, seizure medication and lots of therapy we had been able to keep her healthy and active until she was about 4. Her seizures at this point became monthly, weekly and then daily. Since she had brain damage caused by the stroke her epilepsy was only going to get worse. The Neurosurgeon informed me we had to do surgery to remove the abnormal brain tissue in order to stop the seizures, the convulsions were lasting 20 minutes each time and she could no longer even go to school. The surgeon believed if we did not remove the left side of the brain (which was the damaged part) then eventually her right side (good side) would suffer stress and start having seizures as well." read more

Thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, two weeks before her surgery, Gabby and her family were wisked away to a place where dreams really do come true.
Go here to see Gabby's own Make-A-Wish trip!

If you would like to help this amazing family raise money so that other children can enjoy their wish (no amount is too small) you can Go here to donate.

Someone get me a Stop-Growing pill quick!

L and M 2003

I'm a slow learner. When people told me time would fly when I had kids I thought they were just trying to make me feel better because they knew I'd be up all night with newborn twins. During those early days time stood completely still.

Even as the girls entered preschool I didn't think time had passed any faster than normal. They were still little, still had funny ways of saying things, and still fit comfortably on my lap.

It has taken me five, almost six years to finally learn what people are talking about when they say time flies once you have kids. They are talking, of course, about those angry little men that come out in the wee hours and fast forward all the clocks in my house.

Those little men have made it impossible for M to fit comfortably on my lap, her skinny legs crunched up or dangling off, and my legs going numb from the weight.
My innocent little girls now come home from school talking about boys, and which 5th graders are getting boobs throwing me into a tailspin of neurotic 'what-if' thinking.

L and M 2009

I will not let this go on without a fight!
I will develop a Stop-Growing pill that will not only keep my little girls 5 forever, it will keep my rear-end from expanding.
I will make millions, I will have a sort-of-ok ass, and I will have all the time in the world to enjoy it!

Janine

Another book, an extra hug, a photo and a reminder of what I have

Just because they looked cute

Yesterday I was checking in with a blog hero, Anissa to see how her daughter Peyton was doing after a horrific day getting blood drawn. You see Peyton has cancer. Peyton also recently had her port removed and the family celebrated a Cancer Free day. So this bloodwork would determine whether the party could continue, or if the family would get back on that roller coaster of fear, pain, sadness, worry, and general suckiness. (The results, after a loooong 2 days were good...silent cheer!)

I then caught a tweet by local blog star Jessica about a little angel named Vivi. Of course I went to Jessica's blog and read the post and then HAD to go to Vivi's own blog. And then the tears started.

But I wasn't done. From Vivi's blog there were several other links to blogs about children who are battling cancer, and the parents who are putting on brave faces, celebrating milestones, or in some cases, learning how to say goodbye.

By the time I was done it was after midnight, my eyes were puffy and red, and my heart ached and ached. I think there were a few hiccupy-breaths in there too - you the kind you used to get when you were little and just wailing? Yea, I had that.

But today I woke up a little different.

• I actually read not one, but two books to the girls this morning (I never read before school as we're usually late from the minute we're up!).
• I took extra time to sit with the girls when they got dressed (instead of yelling to them to hurry up as I make lunch).
• Then something unusual happened - they both asked me to put their hair up in a ponytail, my fave! So I took the time to do that too.
• They were so cute in their little skirts with their hair up that we took extra time to take some pictures.
• We were definitely late to school, but I gave them each an extra long hug and kiss before they went into the building.
• I then kept my promise (the same promise I have broken 3 days in a row now) of making chocolate covered strawberries today after school

Today I was a different mom...a better mom - I'm not afraid to say that. I'm improved. I give thanks to those parents who reminded me to appreciate what I have and to take that extra time. I will hug, and kiss, and squeeze, and help, and read to, and cook with, and tickle, and tuck in and everything else more now to honor the parents who can't.

What will you do?

Janine