Today is the first day of the second half of my life.

Wait, I think I have one more year to use that headline. But I came up with it this year so, I used it.

Today is my birthday.

Today I turn....

wait for it..

wait for it.

.

.

.

.

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Thirty-nine (39),

or, one-year-away-from-forty as I will refer to it for the next few months.

Me and Dad the day I was born.

I remember turning 29 and it didn't bother me at all. I don't think 30 bothered me. 35 put me in that new age bracket...35-39 and that sorta sucked.

But turning one-year-away-from-forty is particularly annoying for several reasons:

1) The WAIT to turn 40 is probably worse than the actualy 40th birthday

2) I'm not YET 40 but have hit a new age bracket and my insurance broker is charging me about 15% more

3) If I'm lucky to live to be 80, it means I'm on the down-hill slope of my life. And downhill means you start to gain speed, and lose control and about the only thing you can do to avoid hitting smack-dab into a tree is pray and pour a glass of wine so you don't feel the moment of impact.

The good thing about being one-year-away-from-forty is that I've learned a lot, know more about who I am and what I want, and the adult acne seems to finally be leaving. Of course it's replaced by grey hair and wrinkles but they have stuff to fix that.

Hey - I have an idea! Maybe I'll treat myself to some of that stuff for my birthday!

Or maybe I should wait one more year.

Me and Mom a few months later.

Anyway, who's joining me in a glass of wine for the ride down?

Janine

For My Dad - Happy Flag Day!

Lavender Fields in Provence
Painting my dad made for the Twofer before the were born.

Here's what I did today:

• 5 loads of laundry
• Went for a run while Twofer road their bikes
• Cleaned powder room, kitchen & vacuumed
• Went grocery shopping
• Took the Twofer to their end of year Daisy party
• Cleaned some more
• Did about 2 hours of work

Here's what I did NOT do today:
I did not cry...yet. I did not really think about how today is the 6th anniversary of my dad dying.
And by 'think' I mean having those flashbacks to the final moments in the hospital, holding his hand, by brother's and my mom's while we watched him officially die.
I did not think back on the fogginess of the funeral week.

It was foggy for so many reasons one of which is the fact that our twins were only 3 weeks old. That, my friends, sucked.

So, today I put myself to work. Consciously? Unconsciously? For lack of respect?
No, I think I just had a lot to do.
We're going to the beach in a few days.
I have lots of work and laundry and packing to do before we go.
And my dad was not the kind of person that would have wanted me moping around the house.
If anything, he would want a big party.
Maybe at the 10 year Dad. OK?

As I wrote the title of this post I felt like I was going to cry.
But now I'm ok.
And if I could go back to myself 6 years ago I would tell myself that you will feel better.
You will be able to look at pictures of Daddy and not cry.
You will be able to think back on the early days with twins and not feel completely cheated.
You will find friends who also belong to the WTF Club... whose members have experienced the irony of a joyful birth so close to a tremendous loss.
And you will be able to reflect on June 14th for what it represents - a day to remember Dad and the Flag (as a marine and war veteran I'm sure he's loving that).
But, six years later you will probably still cry.
As I am now.
But, it feels good to remember.

Janine